It’s taken me 3 years to share my testimony on social media. There are many reasons why I didn’t want to. I didn’t want people to know my story and judge me and there were people close to me that didn’t know, so I hid it. God uncovered what I tried to hide. Now I present my story not for attention, but for you to see the hope of my calling.
Come to Me (Jesus), all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.- Matthew 11:28 – parenthesis added.
Disclaimer: I really feel led to say this. Yes, I am 25 years old and divorced. I know you may want me to bash the person who I was with. I won’t talk about him in that way because my story is about Christ and how He’s changed me. I’ve read a lot of divorce blogs that make you despise their ex-husbands and you can still see their hurt. Being hurt is okay, God deals with us in each season of our lives, so I will never say sharing their story there is anything wrong with that because I understand that people get hurt by others and blogs can be therapeutic and also a way to relate to others. My blogs will never be like that. I realized when I started to know and Love Christ, He showed me more about myself than the other person. I pray that in your relationships past, present and future that you remember that. Christ is the head of all things. He desires you to be holy and that He loves you and that you are forgiven. I pray that He shows you Himself, which shows you more of yourself and need of a savior which is Jesus. Then you are able to look out and love despite who hurt you and why. Nothing else matters.
“For My people have committed two evils: They have forsaken Me, The fountain of living waters, To hew for themselves cisterns, Broken cisterns That can hold no water.– Jeremiah 2:13
A glimpse of my past: You may know who I am. You may not. It’s hard talking about my past because most people would think I wasn’t that bad. You know I did pretty decent in school, usually respected my parents, had some anger issues here and there, low self confidence. Nothing that a 20 year old hasn’t went through. I don’t want to convince you that I was a bad person. as it is written: There is no one righteous, not even one – Romans 3:10. But I also don’t want to mistake the past that I have. Just a brief look into my life, my first suicide attempt was when I was 9 years old. I remember having a lot of anger that I would settle into music and lack of understand and hating who I was. I had anxiety attacks, anger, fear of disappointment which I didn’t really understand. This among a lot of other things plagued my heart at a very young age that really gripped my life that people didn’t know about me. This world will intrude on the heart and its only before time until you’ll see the plant that has taken root.
for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, being justified as a gift by His grace through the redemption which is in Christ Jesus; whom God displayed publicly as a propitiation in His blood through faith. This was to demonstrate His righteousness, because in the forbearance of God He passed over the sins previously committed; for the demonstration, I say, of His righteousness at the present time, so that He would be just and the justifier of the one who has faith in Jesus Rom 3:23-Rom 3:26 NASB
Queen of my life: I could touch on many places in my life. I’ll go right to around when I got saved. In 2010,I was 20 years old, I had my first serious boyfriend. I dated before but they were usually kind of friend/boyfriends. My parents were not having me going out on dates. If I did it was probably once or twice before my parents found out or I felt guilty and cut it off. So 2010 I finally introduced the second guy to my parents (the first one didn’t go so well- my dad kicked him out of the house after 10 minutes of talking to him). My parents really liked this guy. I did too, which is what introduced lust at a very early age all throughout the beginning of the relationship. I had seeds planted to disobey my parents for about a year after being in a sorority that my parents didn’t want me to join. Breaking curfew, having a few times when I drank. I thought I was the ruler and queen of my life.
Jesus answered them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits sin is the slave of sin.John 8:34
The dreams: I ended up moving out with my ex to his parents house and then into our own place. Everything started out fine until I started having crazy dreams. I would have dreams of my parents seperating and hating me. I would have dreams that my ex would walk down the isle and marry someone else and I would call out to him, but he would be so cold hearted to me. These dreams were crazy to me because my ex was the nicest person that I had ever met. What guy would let a girl move in with him after only dating for like 5-6 months and he never raised his voice at me not one time, so I when I had this dream it felt so real I remember waking up crying. My ex didn’t really understand it. It was so strange, but that dream planting seeds in my heart. I became anxious, angry, lustful. I felt like one moment I loved this person and the next moment I hated him. I loved him because I felt that he was perfect, but I hated him because of my guilt of me not talking to my parents and who I was. I started gaining weight. I started getting angry that I had to clean up after a guy that wasn’t my husband. I was mad that I had to do his laundry and I always thought that he was going to leave me or cheat on me. It plagued my mind more than anything. Feelings of lack of confidence plagued my mind as well, I would argue, yell, and fight with my ex daily. Then came the lack of sleep. My ex worked at night and all of a sudden I wouldn’t be able to stay by myself. I would lock myself in the room and would be scared to go to the bathroom. It got so bad I just rarely went to class. I was so tired. I just stayed home and went to class only when I had a test or an important paper to turn it.
Fear, anger, guilt: One night I remember laying on the bed and praying to God and I felt nothing. I got up and flipped to the Bible and came to a section about an adulterous woman. I thought this was the perfect way to tell my husband that he shouldn’t cheat on me.I didn’t know at that time I was the adulterous one. I didn’t cheat on Him, but I cheated on God. I was the one who lured idols into my heart and was hoping that no one would see, but the ways that I pursued was death. I felt nothing but Fear. Anger. Guilt. Even on holidays and celebrations and happiness I would come home and cry. During this time I barely spoke to my parents. I came home for one thanksgiving and stayed maybe an hour or two before I felt uncomfortable and went home. A few months later, my ex and I got married. We were already engaged in December of 2011, but we got married in 2012. I thought of it as just a legal marriage so I could get medical insurance. It wasn’t that I didn’t love him, I just wasn’t ready for marriage. Noone was at the wedding and noone really knew about it. It was just his parents and his friend and me. My parents didn’t know just my friend at that time who couldn’t make it.
They promise them freedom, but they themselves are slaves of corruption, since people are enslaved to whatever defeats them 2 Peter 2:19
Confrontation: I started going to therapy to deal with the anxiety and just the guilt I was feeling. I complained about my instability and just not understanding and feeling wanted. I felt like my life was a mistake. It helped for a short time, but my ex and I still argued. My therapist said I had Self defeating Disorder. You can click on that link and read more about it, but at that time I think my ex was tired of my anger, anxiety, and hurt. We got into one argument where I just felt like we were heading down the path to destruction, so without breaking up, I moved in with my mom. Hoping that space could clear up a lot of what was going on and we even went to marriage counseling. During this time I continued to feel some type of anger and guilt. I hated my self, so I made a list of things I wanted to do to become a better person.
- Get closer to God
- Lose weight ( I went from 120 lbs to 160 lbs within 2 years)
You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.Romans 5:6
The YouTube Video? (God met me where I was): At that time I watched a lot of hair videos on YouTube. I was on a hair journey and one of the girls I watched had a video about pinky promise. I thought this was perfect! A girl group to help me get closer to God! Here’s the link to the exact video: Pinky Promise Youtube video. I went on the site and I watched Heather Lindsey’s messages and I followed them and there was one about eating healthy. It was just up my alley because it was accomplishing 2 things on my list. She said that her and her husband had a church. It was a telechurch (they would preach over the phone- rather than in a building. Perfect because I didn’t have a car). I researched and found it and their messages.
The Gospel: One day I listened to Heather Lindsey’s husband’s sermon that said “You don’t know God. If you knew God you would live like it, but you don’t know God.” It woke me up that there was a God that could be known and that through me knowing who God was that I was supposed to be a certain way. I had a very vague view of who Jesus was. I had this view that Jesus was my savior and died on the cross for my sins, but the simplicity of that I didn’t understand even though I was baptized at 12, prayed sometimes, and went to church. The gospel really meant nothing to me and my life. I joke sometimes that I didn’t know Jesus was in the New Testament. When I read the Bible, I would start at Genesis and got bored around the third chapter and would skip to Leviticus, which was overwhelming. All that I got from Leviticus is that you should not bribe because bribing does not accomplish God’s righteousness. (I say this verse from memory of when I read it all those years ago.)
Little children, guard yourselves from idols 1 John 5:21
When I listened to that pastor’s sermon that introduced me to the concept of idolatry. I thought idolatry was like if I worshiped things like buddha or something like that, but there was this concept that if you put anything over God then it was considered idolatry. So I pulled out a sheet of paper and I wrote a list of what I idolized. Things that were brought to my mind that I knew I put over God.
- My ex-husbands name (we were still married at that time but lived in different houses)
I looked at the list and it broke my heart because there was a God that I knew somewhat was God and I had put everything over Him. So I continued to listen to the message and I heard the gospel, that Jesus died for my sins and that I could surrender all and follow Him. I could then love Him and love people. I didn’t immediately give my life to Christ.I continued to listen to listen to sermons. Then one day in the wee hours of the morning I got on my knees and repented. I confessed who God was and who I was and my desperate need for Him. I remember feeling like He was standing right in front of me and feeling like I had this peace. Nothing was the same in my life after that moment.
“If you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. One believes with the heart, resulting in righteousness, and one confesses with the mouth, resulting in salvation. Now the Scripture says, Everyone who believes on Him will not be put to shame,” –Romans 10:9-11 HCSB
“For I hate divorce,” says the LORD, the God of Israel – Malachi 2:16
Divorce went from nothing to everything: I remembering opening my bible later to I Corinthians. I remember that because Corinthians reminded me of the Spanish word heart “corazon”. I read it and came to chapter 7 about divorce and it broke my heart because it talked about divorce. Divorce started to come up frequently in my ex and my conversation. I had an attitude problem. I was like “DIVORCE ME THEN”, but I read this passage, which made me search the scriptures to see why God said this. I started to read the Gospels and I started to read more about Jesus and I was so caught. I was like wow…. I knew this was my savior because of hearing by faith the Gospel, but His word convinced me, but I battled with one thing. My ex had dropped divorce papers in my mailbox. In about August that year he filed for divorce and I cried at the courthouse begging him to read the Gospels, but I didn’t know his faith and I never really asked. It wasn’t important to me until after I gave back the ring. I didn’t even know if he was saved or not, but that I stressed him out and hardened his heart to this exact point. I had a God that I loved so much and hated divorce and was experiencing what God said He hated. It was my fault.
And there was a woman in the city who was a sinner; and when she learned that He was reclining at the table in the Pharisee’s house, she brought an alabaster vial of perfume, 38 and standing behind Him at His feet, weeping, she began to wet His feet with her tears, and kept wiping them with the hair of her head, and kissing His feet and anointing them with the perfume. 39 Now when the Pharisee who had invited Him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet He would know who and what sort of person this woman is who is touching Him, that she is a sinner.” Luke 7:37-39
For this reason I say to you, her sins, which are many, have been forgiven, for she loved much; but he who is forgiven little, loves little.”48 Then He said to her, “Your sins have been forgiven.” Luke 7:47-48
Homeless? My mom was moving to a house that didn’t have much room. I had just come back to her house maybe a month ago. I never told her or anyone in the house about the divorce at that time. My brother asked me if I wanted to move down south with my grandma. I said yes because honestly I felt like I had nowhere else to go. I moved down south with my grandmother who had battled breast cancer years earlier. I started to listen to more sermons, reading more, and being completely in love with Jesus, but still feeling this feeling that God hated me. I had a lot of pride too. I read in Luke about the woman who had a lot of sin who cried at the feet of Jesus and I would envision myself as her. That got me through a lot of hard days. Just getting on my face and crying at the feet of Jesus with this hair that I loved so much, soaked with tears. I grieved and was still angry. I wanted my ex to come back and started to put faith that he would, but the divorce was finalized in November of that year.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 5 For just as the sufferings of Christ areours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. – 2 Cor. 1:3-5
The Grieving Servant: My grandmother started to become more sick after the divorce. We were in the hospital constantly and I was driving her to hospitals and helping take care of her and she attempted chemotherapy once again for stage 4 breast cancer. It was her and I on many occasions and God immediately called me to serve. It came to a point where I felt like I was so overwhelmed I had a breakdown around Christmas because I was just overwhelmed with grief and serving and asking God how could this happen. I was talking to a guy at that time who encouraged me, but even that ended. I continued to cling to God and felt like He must hate me and be punishing me for who I am and what I did. The days I thought He hated me would lead me right back to my past sins. I would have to repent and cling to who He was again. He brought another few mentors in my life who really poured into my life that God really did love me and had called me to serve in this season. I felt so angry and helpless, but I moved forward with serving. I prayed for my grandma, was there at the doctors appointments, slept in the hospital. Laughed and really got to know her. She passed away that next February, but the day before she passed, I read in John how Jesus was going to the Father and that He would not leave the disciples as orphans, but that He would send a helper for them. This Word carried me.
I encourage you to read through my old blog posts. I wrote these as I went through my walk after getting saved.
“Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me. John 15:4
Many sorrows: My grandmother passed away and my mom set up for me to move in with my grandfather. I had questions about was I really saved forreal or just doing this because I was divorced. I had questions on why God took away my grandmother and why I was even on Earth. I remember a few times I was driving and I just wanted to crash because I was so hurt. In those times, I just clung to God. I can’t really explain it, but I just to choose to believe what He says constantly even when its hard and you sin, cry, and feel like there is no purpose. Cling to His word and cry out in prayer. I attempted to go to churches, which was hard for me because I didn’t want to feel vulnerable or tell people my story. This made me a true church hopper. I got closer to my family once again after the situation but I still didn’t tell them about the marriage or divorce. That following year my grandfather I was staying with passed away from cancer. This opened my eyes that my suffering was not because God hated me, but that God had a plan. God knew this would happen and that death had died and that if my grandparents believed in Jesus Christ they were in eternal glory. I grieved, but not like one without hope (words from my mentor).
And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Counselor to be with you forever.John 14:16
Prayer life: I continued to pray and God started answering those prayers in a visible form. I prayed for a church and God showed me the church that I was going to attend, which is the same church that I heard the message that led to my salvation by the Holy Spirit -The Gathering Oasis. He lead me to friends who I met through Pinky Promise and doing things I enjoyed. He led me to start my own Pinky Promise Group in my city. I’ve experienced another loss of a grandparent after my grandfather which was my last one. I’ve experienced other things as well, but most importantly. I’ve experienced a deeper relationship with Christ. He’s been my comforter when I had none. He’s been my hope and my future and my purpose. Not without fight from me. He’s lit my path to each part of my life and to even share this blog with you. You may say to me, Gina your story doesn’t sound that great. but Christ was interwoven in my story since the beginning. He knew who I was, and in the perfect moment moment when my life was as full of sin as ever, He showed Himself to me. He died for the ungodly. Those seeds that have been planted since a young age and have grown out, He uprooted them and continues to, but even in that moment He calls me justified and daughter. He’s reconciled me to my parents. I’ve even met the girl from the YouTube video at a Pinky Promise conference and told her my testimony including her video. Even in my grievances He gave me words that help me to move to the next day and the next and the next. I write this blog 3 years later in a state of love. I don’t know what will happen next. I am still divorced and believing God for so much, but even in all my unanswered questions and dreams,?He is still God and there is noone like Him so faithful and good. Even my husband left, but my God told me that He is my maker and husband and promised to never leave or forsake me.
For your Maker is your husband—
the Lord Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
he is called the God of all the earth.
6 The Lord will call you back
as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young,
only to be rejected,” says your God.
7 “For a brief moment I abandoned you,
but with deep compassion I will bring you back.
8 In a surge of anger
I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
I will have compassion on you,”
says the Lord your Redeemer. Isaiah 54: 5-8
He has defeated death, gives me word to repent and hold up to in the light of Honor. Jesus has been my everything.
To you: You don’t come to Christ for a temporary happy ending. You come to Christ for an eternal one.He will be there for you no matter what and you will experience suffering, but Christ has conquered the world. If you believe that Christ has died for your sins and raised on the third day then you will be saved. You’ll know because your life reflects that. You’ll love God and His people. He’s the only way. I long to hear you repeat to yourself that you are forgiven and loved by Jesus.
“These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.”– John 16:33