Hi guys!
This blog post is going to be very transparent about where I am, so I hope you grab a cup of coffee, protein shake, tea or whatever you like to drink during your tea time. I personally would love a caramel macchiato with extra caramel please!
It’s been over 3 years since my divorce. Let me try to be as transparent as possible. It has not been easy. It’s been a whole bunch of God what are you going to do? How could this happen to me? Type of things. Now my ex is remarried and I found out in the strangest way possible, which is okay. There’s something about a door completely closing that has a healing aspect to it.
It’s been a long journey of that door closing, but I’ve always know that it would close, but a lot of these last 3 years was filled with hope. Honestly it wasn’t about getting the “guy”, but it was about getting the second chance to try again. It was about the aspect of wanting to see God do a redeeming work and hoping that He would in this situation. Don’t we all wish that in our lives? Seeing proof of God’s redeeming work around us? Honestly we do. We want to see it in our relationships, our family members, our financial situations etc. We want to see God’s redeeming work. We want to see it all come together to this beautiful story of suffering (thorns) then can still produce roses.
Where am I?
My heart became harden for about 2 weeks sometime ago. I had been struggling with where I was, the growth. This was before my ex had remarried. It was like this big burden was a big crescendo to absolutely nothing. I just stopped everything I was doing. I took a break from social media, friends, the church I was attending. Everything needed to stop. Honestly I was tired. I needed to refocus especially after finding out my ex was remarried. I took a hard look and said WHY AM I DOING THIS? What am I living for? What is the reason I go to church every Sunday? What is the reason I attend events? What am I doing all this for? Honestly, you would say GIRL, You are doing this for Jesus. I wanted to scream up at the roof tops, I DO THIS FOR JESUS. In that moment I couldn’t yell Jesus. In that moment I thought, honestly I don’t know. I was so clouded. I was so hurt. I was so exhausted spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. I didn’t yell I did this for Jesus. I yelled I did it for Me. I wanted my story. I wanted my happy ending. I wanted my happiness. I wanted my husband and possibly 3 kids ( 2 and 1 adopted). I wanted my blog to tell you the story of how Jesus worked everything I wanted out perfectly. You may say, GOD DID WORK THIS OUT PERFECTLY. I would agree, but sometimes it doesn’t FEEL that way.
I wanted a lot of things for myself, but I would go into prayer and say Jesus this would glorify you. He knew deep in my heart that I wanted so much for myself. It’s easy to put Jesus’s name on when He says “Yes”, but not so easy when Jesus say “No”. I cried a lot in my room and in my prayer corner. It came to the point where it was like I want to do this for Jesus, but more than wanting to “DO” for Jesus…I wanted to know who He was. More about Him. I wanted to know this story that connected together called the Gospel and where it began. Questions like: Why did my Savior choose to suffer in order to bring me in as part of His family? What does this say about Him? What is He revealing to us?
This door of endless possibilities and growth and sometimes the unknown sucks and sometimes its exciting. This getting to know Christ and not only being satisfied with what I think He can give me, but who He is. Sometimes it takes some tearing down of doors so you can get to the prize.
Love you guys!
Just Gina 